#9: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want

In the first step of the boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to work on. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, helps you clarify the needs that aren’t being met in that situation, and then identify the outcome you want. 

As you work through this step, don’t limit yourself to what you believe is “realistic.” Brainstorm any and all possible outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem. Allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and you still struggle to identify outcomes, brainstorm with a friend, coach, therapist, or someone who understands how boundaries work.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9:

  • There are two parts to working step 3:
    • Identify the needs that aren’t being met with regard to the situation or event you’re working on.
    • Explore the outcome you want and your vision for how the issue might be resolved. 
  • To establish an effective boundary, you need to clarify your own needs that aren’t being met. These could be for things like kindness, respect, acceptance, reliability, trust, reciprocity, self-respect, and so on.
  • The outcome you want might involve taking a certain action you have the power to carry out, creating an agreement with someone—or choosing not to enter into an agreement. Make sure the outcome you want aligns with what you want, and the nature of the relationship, if applicable.

Highlights from Episode #9:

  • Welcome to this episode, the third in a six-part series about the 6-step boundary-setting process. [00:31]
  • Victoria explains that there are two parts to step 3, and talks about the first part in detail. [01:54]
  • We hear about some of the most common needs in relationships. [06:01]
  • Victoria offers examples of specific situations and the associated needs that might come along with them. [08:20]
  • The second part of this step is identifying the outcome you want in the situation you’re working on in the boundary-setting process. [10:30]
  • Victoria lists three guidelines to help you if you get stuck on figuring out the outcome you want or your vision for resolving the issue. [13:59]
  • If you choose to create an agreement with someone to stop them from being harsh and critical to you, there are two important points to keep in mind. [17:34]
  • Victoria brings the Uncle Joe fictional case study character into this episode to continue her explanation of how to work through that situation. [18:40]
  • We hear about some example potential outcomes for the Uncle Joe case study. [23:32]
  • Victoria offers some best practices for working through this step. [29:01]
  • People-dependent outcomes require other people’s participation. [33:24]
  • Choosing the easiest outcome to achieve is a best practice for this step, as is avoiding vague outcomes. [35:48]
  • Victoria closes with two pro tips for this step. [38:12]
  • We hear a quick recap of what Victoria has talked about today, and learn the topic of next week’s episode. Make sure to follow the show to be notified when new episodes are available! [39:13]

Links and Resources:


Hi, I'm Victoria!

I love guiding my clients on a journey of Returning to the authentic truth of who they are, Reclaiming what is theirs, and Receiving everything that is meant for them.

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