In my last article, How Women Sabotage Experiencing Happiness, Peace, and Love, I shared three common signs that a woman depends on other people (or a specific person) for her happiness, peace, or worthiness.
In case you missed it, here are the 3 signs:
- You believe that other people’s behavior is a reflection on you.
- You’re pre-occupied (or maybe even obsessed) about getting another person to behave in the way you believe they should.
- You look to your partner or other people to do for you what you could do for yourself.
One woman shared in the comments that it was an eye-opener for her when she started to understand the consequences of trying to get her needs met through attempting to control other people.
When she experienced these consequences first-hand, she was able to connect with her own reality, and focus on making her life “great” (her words).
This woman’s story illustrates two of the results that you can expect when you bring your focus back to you. You will know and understand yourself better, and your life will improve.
If you relate to looking outside yourself to experience the feelings you want more of — happiness, peace, love, or worthiness — you have at least two choices about where to go from here.
The first choice is to stay the course — continuing to try to get your wants and needs met from other people. But if that hasn’t worked so far (or for decades) this is not the wisest choice.
Another choice is to experiment with something new.
This is where it gets interesting because there are many choices you can make.
Here are the choices I don’t recommend:
- Give up, based on a (false) assumption that you’ll never get what you want. This choice is also known as despair.
- Talk the other person into going to couples therapy, hoping that the therapist will straighten him out. Spoiler alert: this is simply another version of trying to control.
- Decide that you will settle, and simply learn to live without what you want. This choice is somewhat different than despair because it can masquerade as self-sufficiency and resilience. But it’s actually more like a rigid, brittle facade that thinly veils loneliness and bitterness.
None of these choices will bring you closer to the experience you want to have.
They’re either about denying yourself what you desire, or experimenting with an alternate form of relying on another person to give you what you’re longing for.
The good news is that there’s another way. A path that you control. A path that doesn’t rely on how another person shows up for you.
The path to happiness, peace, and a sense of enough-ness relies only on one person, and that is you.
It’s a simple path, but it’s not easy.
It begins with the decision (which may involve a brand new belief for you) that you are in charge of — and responsible for — creating the experiences you want to have. And it happens from the inside out.
Here are three steps to get you started:
See the ways you currently (and unconsciously) block receiving what you want.
The word “unconsciously” is key here, because none of us would make a conscious choice to block receiving what we want.
But the truth is, you may be blocking happiness, peace, and a sense of worthiness right now.
The last time someone appreciated you, admired you, gave you a compliment, or told you how smart, beautiful, or talented you were, did you let it in? Did you truly receive it? If you didn’t, it was blocked by a thought or a series of thoughts that are likely familiar to you.
For example, when someone admires, appreciates, or acknowledges you, one of the following thoughts may spontaneously arise in your mind:
- He/she didn’t mean it.
- She/he is just saying that.
- He said that because he feels guilty, or is trying to manipulate me.
- They don’t know what they’re talking about.
What are the automatic, self-sabotaging thoughts that arise for you when someone compliments, appreciates, or acknowledges you?
Are you open to seeing that these automatic thoughts are blocking you from receiving the love and approval you long for?
And if you want to take it another step further, are you willing to experiment with receiving the appreciation and acknowledgment with a simple, “Thank you,” and nothing more?
Another hidden way women block receiving is by not having the courage to ask for what they want. You may know that if you asked for what you wanted it would be given to you. But you struggle to ask because your sense of worthiness is weak or wobbly.
Do you withhold requests for what you want? What might it be like to feel the vulnerability and ask anyway?
The second step you can take to begin experiencing more of what you want is to:
Identify the power you already have to create what you want.
I love this step because it’s so simple. When you have the power to create what you want, it’s almost guaranteed you will receive it!
But first, you must believe that you have the power to give yourself what you want, and you must be willing to use the power you already have to make it happen.
One of the simplest things you can do starting now is to begin experimenting with receiving any nice, kind, caring, or loving words or actions that come your way.
This one simple act will automatically create more positive feelings because you’re not blocking the flow of what is given to, and meant for, you.
When you finish reading this article, make a list of at least 10 things that you want right now. Don’t censor yourself, and don’t avoid putting “big” things on the list. Just write down 10 things you want, and write them as quickly as you can.
After you’ve written your list, review it and see whether you have the power to give yourself any of the items on your list. If you do, make a plan to give them to yourself.
Or maybe one of the items requires you to make a request. Are you willing to ask?
There may be an item on your list that you’re not sure how you can accomplish. But would you be willing to tell family, friends, or colleagues that this is something you want? You never know who may be able to help you, or who you know who knows someone else who might be able to help you get what you want.
The third step you can take to begin experiencing more of what you want is to:
Make a commitment to yourself and take a first, small action.
You being committed to you is a sign of how much you trust and love yourself. If you have a pattern of not following through with commitments to yourself, are you willing to try something new?
If you’re not sure where to start in committing to you, review this article to see if there are any questions you want to explore. Or maybe you’d like to begin with writing a list of what you want.
It doesn’t matter what you choose to do. It only matters that you do it. No matter how small, or insignificant it might seem.
Only you can give yourself what you need, want, and desire.
Identify that one first, small action and do it now, or commit to getting it done by a specific time or date. If you’re afraid you won’t follow through, tell a friend or write your commitment in the comments below so that we can celebrate and support you.
When self-trust and self-commitment are a challenge, having support and accountability are non-negotiable.
Committing to and following through with commitments to yourself creates self-trust and self-love.
How do you want to commit to you, so that you can stop blocking receiving what you want? What is your first, small action?
Share in comments below.💙
©️ Victoria Priya (2023)
I want to support you to Return to the authentic truth of who you are, Reclaim what is yours, and Receive everything that is meant for you. So that you can Regenerate your life, your relationships, community, and the world.
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