#126 – Are Your Consequences Punishment or Self-Care?


The next monthly boundaries clarifier workshop is coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings?

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126:

  • It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead.
  • Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scenario? What would “consequences” look like? How do those options feel different as you sit with them?
  • When we want to be respectful and relational with another adult, there’s no place for punishments—even for broken agreements. If you try, you may even find yourself with an emotional hangover!

Highlights from Episode #126:

  • Vicki welcomes listeners to episode 126, which is all about your consequences! Are they punishment or self-care? [00:39]
  • We learn about the three most common ways to think about responding to boundary violations: consequences, punishment, or self-care. [03:15]
  • Vicki offers a specific example to demonstrate what she means about responding with self-care. [05:25]
  • In a scenario like Vicki has described, you might feel angry or hurt. She then talks about what self-care might look like in this case. [09:26]
  • In that same scenario, thinking about consequences feels different. [12:46]
  • Vicki talks about another example, this time demonstrating how consequences may not be helpful. [14:52]
  • We learn about outright punishments, which have no place [16:37]
  • When you’re thinking about how to respond to a boundary problem or violation, start with self-care. [18:17]
  • Remember to come to the next boundaries clarifier workshop next Tuesday, March 23! [19:36]

Links and Resources:


Hi, I'm Victoria!

I love guiding my clients on a journey of Returning to the authentic truth of who they are, Reclaiming what is theirs, and Receiving everything that is meant for them.

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