#14 – Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

After last week’s episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we’re returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven’t already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14:

• When you’re planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it’s just an expectation. Mistaking expectations for agreements can lead to disappointment, frustration, or worse.
• Demands and requests are on a continuum. On one end, we get our needs met in a very passive way. At the other extreme we make demands.
• There’s a fine—but important—difference between a non-negotiable boundary, which expresses what you are going to do, and an ultimatum, which is a demand.
• When you want to make a request, there are best practices. First, choose a time when both of you are relatively calm and undistracted, and notice the state of your own nervous system. Ask the other person if they’re available to talk about something important, and be willing to take “no” for an answer.

Highlights from Episode #14:

• Vicki introduces Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process: Taking Action. [03:57]
• There’s an important difference between contracts and expectations, as well as between demands and requests. [06:39]
• Vicki explores the differences between non-negotiable boundaries and ultimatums. [11:50]
• Making a request is often the most challenging option of the 4 possibilities in Step 4. Vicki discusses best practices for making requests. [16:42]
• When you want to make a request, avoid these particular things. [21:56]
• “If you can’t accept another person’s no, then their yes doesn’t mean a whole lot,” Vicki explains. [24:59]
• Vicki offers a refresher on what the four options are in terms of taking action. [26:57]
• Vicki presents the idea of keeping an agreement journal, as well as why an agreement journal can be helpful. [30:42]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Sheri Winston
• Intimate Arts Center
• Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston
• Byron Katie