#19 – When They Go Low… We Go Lower

Today’s episode is all about what’s called “offending from the victim position.” It’s such a crucial concept to understand when it comes to healthy boundaries that I am dedicating this episode to Pia Mellody, who coined the term. I’ll go into depth to explain what offending from the victim position means, as well as why it’s so problematic. I’ll also share some tips to avoid this boundary-less and problematic behavior.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #19:

• To offend means to cause to feel upset, annoyed, or resentful. Therefore, it’s a subjective experience.
• When you see yourself as a victim, you feel less-than, your self-esteem goes down, and you may feel a sense of powerlessness, shame, or pain. Because these are such negative feelings, a common response for many is to attempt to get back at the person or situation that you see as the cause of your painful feelings.
• While it’s tempting to retaliate or take revenge as a way to get your power back when someone offends you, it is not a healthy expression of authentic personal power.
• There are several reasons to avoid retaliating as a response to feeling offended. First, it typically places you outside your own value system and creates an integrity failure. Second, every action has a ripple effect, and actions have consequences. Finally, when you reflect on your choice to offend from the victim position, you will probably have an emotional hangover, or otherwise feel guilt or shame about your behavior.

Highlights from Episode #19:

• Vicki introduces the topic of today’s episode. [00:48]
• We learn about what it means to offend from the victim position, and Vicki introduces an example from her own life. [04:24]
• As a result of seeing yourself as a victim, you feel less-than or you go one-down in terms of your esteem. Vicki explores why this is the case, and what can happen next. [10:01]
• Vicki talks about the temptation to retaliate when someone has offended you, and why we need to avoid doing it. [16:35]
• We hear about how to avoid offending from the victim position in the future. [23:19]
• In the example that Vicki has been using throughout the episode, Vicki shares how she chose to respond to what might have been perceived by many to be an offending event. [31:31]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Pia Mellody