#62 – How Over-Giving Damages Intimacy (Women’s Episode)


This first episode of the month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. We’ll talk about over-giving and how it can damage intimacy in relationships between women and men. Vicki gives us 5 ways ways over-giving can damage intimacy. Tune in! 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #62:

  • Men and women are totally different animals, so to speak, so it’s unhelpful to assume they see the world the same way.
  • Almost 70% of women initiate divorce in heterosexual relationships.
  • Women have a habit of over-giving, and that can cause resentments.
  • Over-giving can cause a woman to feel like her partner’s mother, which is definitely intimacy-destroying, especially in the bedroom.
  • If you feel resentment about helping or giving, then don’t do it.
  • Listen for a direct, explicit question asking for help from your partner, rather than jumping in to assist.

Highlights from Episode #62:

  • Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is dedicated to women and boundaries — specifically how over-giving sabotages intimacy in relationships with men. [01:14]
  • Vicki clarifies she’s speaking primarily about heterosexual relationships but gay and lesbian relationships may be impacted in similar ways, depending on the masculine/feminine polarity in their relationship. [01:30]
  • In the simplest terms, boundaries are about staying on your side of the street. [01:52]
  • Have you ever gone further than you intended to go when helping someone? [02:29]
  • In relationships women tend to want to be heard [04:31]
  • There is a clear gender difference in terms of who initiates couples therapy and even divorce. [06:35]
  • A 2009 – 2015 study showed that almost 70% of women in heterosexual relationships initiated divorce. [07:15]
  • When women give advice to a man, it can damage intimacy. [09:04]
  • A man will tend to look for ways to be a hero to the woman he loves. [09:46]
  • Women have a habit of over-giving, and when they do they wind up with resentments. [14:24]
  • If a man feels like he can never please you or get it right, he may withdraw or put up walls. [16:23]
  • When your husband perceives you as a mother, that can definitely cause intimacy issues. [18:44]
  • Vicki says instead of over-giving you can pay attention to your self care, and don’t give or help unless you can do so without a cost to you. [20:43]
  • Notice your thoughts when you are tempted to give or help — if you feel resentful you probably should decline giving help. [21:59]
  • Look for a direct or explicit question to determine if your male partner truly wants your help. [25:24]
  • Go back and listen to episodes 34 and 45 about over giving if you would like more information on this topic. [26:59]

Links and Resources:


Hi, I'm Victoria!

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