#71 – Men, Requests, & The Man Cave

While this episode is about men, it’s actually intended for women, and addresses a common dynamic between the genders. I’ll dig into how a common desire among women can come across to men as pressure or control, and cause them to go into their “cave.” Tune in to learn why it’s so important to let your man go to his cave when he needs to! And if you’re a LGTBQ+ listener, please reach out to let me know if this dynamic plays out in your relationships! 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #71:

• The man cave is a real thing. I’m not talking about a physical room in the house, but rather a mental or behavioral cave. For example, a man may retreat to an electronic device, a sports game, or even a newspaper.
• Women tend to prefer to process their feelings by talking. Men, on the other hand, often to want to think about (or distract themselves from) their problem before re-engaging.
• The more a man feels pulled or manipulated out of his man cave, the more he’s likely to resist. 
• Expressing a pure desire (without a “you” in it) rather than making a request can be a powerful tool for avoiding perceptions of control. For example, say, “I would love to go out to dinner tonight,” not “I would love for you to take me out for dinner.”

Highlights from Episode #71:

• Vicki welcomes listeners and explains that today’s episode is about men, but for women. [00:39]
• We hear the question from a listener that inspired this episode. [02:58]
• The man cave is a real thing, Vicki explains, and goes into more depth about why it’s important for women to know about it. [06:28]
• Vicki responds to the part of the listener’s question about her spouse taking any request as a criticism, and shares a personal anecdote. [11:43]
• When someone makes a request, we have three options: yes, no, or negotiate an alternative solution. Vicki elaborates on this as well as how requests function. [18:16]
• Vicki elaborates on two possibilities about the listener’s question, and emphasizes the value of being able to sincerely say, “I hear you.” [22:02]
• Another strategy is to express a desire without specifically making a request. [23:55]
• Vicki points out that when you first learn about boundaries, it can be tempting to make everything into a request. [29:03]
• We return once more to the listener’s question, and hear a summary of Vicki’s answer. [30:43]
• Vicki recaps the major points that she has covered in today’s episode. [33:23]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 42: When Your Request Is Ignored